May 13, 2010

Today was one of those days. One of those pivotal days in my life.
This morning I went to the doctor for a routine 14-week prenatal visit. I had confided in my sister-in-law Andrea last night that I was feeling nervous about going. For the past week or so, I just haven’t felt as “pregnant” as I had previously.

You know how you have those feelings that you just can’t explain.

At the appointment, the doctor tried to find a heartbeat, and she just couldn’t find one. She tried for quite a while and nothing.

At my 10-week appointment, they were able to get a strong heartbeat right away, so my heart sank.

It’s not super-uncommon to not hear a heartbeat at 14 weeks, but because of my history, I was beyond worried. I’ve had two miscarriages – one before Avery was born and one before Jack was born. And everytime they haven’t found a heartbeat in the past, it was not a good sign.

They sent me for an ultrasound to a different facility and on the way there, my mind was racing and my spirit was crushed.

I assumed the worst. Was this pregnancy not meant to be?

What would the future hold?

What about the weekend trip we had planned with friends?

How would we tell Avery? How would we tell our family and friends?

Could I survive this again?

Thanksfully hubs was able to leave work and meet me to go for the ultrasound. He assumed the worst, too. There wasn’t much to say.

I laid down on the ultrasound table and the sweet technician kindly explained what she was going to do.
As soon as the image came on the screen, she said, “There is the baby!”

“It’s moving, and it’s heart is ticking away!”

The best thing that she could have said. Ever.

It look a couple of seconds to sink in. Then sweet relief!!!!

I was flooded with emotion. Unbelief, gratitude, praise. I just couldn’t believe it. This baby was alive. And moving, kicking, crossing it’s little feet. We watched it for a while in amazement.

I still can’t quite believe it.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me the priviledge of carrying this soul.

Baby, I promise to love you forever.

I promise to pray every day that God will give us the wisdom to raise you in the best way possible.

I promise to be your biggest supporter.

I promise to love you unconditionally. No matter what.

Life is so hard sometimes. Incredibly hard.

But it’s also beautiful. And it is possible to find peace in the middle of turmoil.

Today the roses smell sweeter, the grass looks greener, and the sunshine feels more comforting than it has ever felt.

And I am humbled. And so, so thankful.

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